Исторический кружок: Томирис

Преамбула. Век 6 до н.э. На ближнем востоке буянит Вавилон, в Египте вынимают мозги через нос и заворачивают дохлых животных в тряпочки, по Европе шарятся кельты, не обученные политесам и цивилизации, в Греции Пифагор сочиняет стих про штаны, в Лидии Крез считает монетки, в Риме сидят цари-этруски. Где-то в каспийских степях шароебится племя массагетов/саков/скифов/гетов. Лопухи, байбаки и прочие радости кочевой жизни. На горизонте возникает персидский царь Кир с криками “маловато будет”.

С массагетов взять особо было нечего, кроме анализа. Но у них было много земли, и их самих было много.

Сначала Кир по-доброму попытался подкатить к царице массагетов свои пушистые персидские шары. Типа гой-еси, царица я принес тебе цивилизации и поебаться. Но правившая самостоятельно царица, которую звали Томирис, вручила ему гарбуз. Мол, была я в этом замуже, ничего хорошего, кругом носки, лампочку вкрутить не допросишься, вхуй, в общем.

– Женшина, я пока по-хорошему прошу, – сказал Кир и почесал в бородище. – Если мне сдаются добровольно, я веду себя прилично. Я уже упиздил ликийцев, карийцев, эолийцев, нагнул Вавилон и Иудею и отобрал у Креза все его монетки. Как вхуй?!

Но царица была непреклонна.

Кир обиделся и начал вести себя гнусно и бесчестно, захватив таким образом в плен сына Томирис (подкинул моссагетам бухло, и их после кумыса или чего у них там было раскапустило), который исхитрился лишить себя жизни. Поскольку он был военачальником массагетов, Кир решил, что дело в тиаре, но не учел материнский инстинкт.

Томирис в одноименном кино

– Кров би тебе нагла заллєла сучий ти сину! – заорала Томирис, вздула Кира, отрезала ему голову и засунула в мешок с кровищей. Так великий завоеватель и закончился.

Правда, есть версия, что Геродот, Полиэн, Кассиодор и Страбон все напиздели, художники эпохи Возрождения почем зря нарисовали тонны полотен Томирис, а Кир умер в своей кроватке, что, согласитесь, скучно и негеройски. А Томирис, мол, дошла аж до Черного Моря и основала Томы (ныне Констанца). Но про что тогда снимать кино?

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