18/06/2021Irkk

Исторический кружок: Сулла

Если с императорами исторические чайники ещё как-то справляются (Нерон сжёг Рим, Калигула всех выебал и задрал своим конем, а Веспасиан построил Колизей), то с периодом республики все намного хуже, это вообще темный лес!

Луций Корнелий Сулла жил во времена так называемой поздней республики. Он был из приличной семьи, крепких середнячков: там консул, тут жрец Юпитера, в общем, жили неплохо, но звёзд с неба не хватали. Деняк особо не было, так что, немного побухав в молодости, Сулла по расчету женился на племяннице будущего консула Гая Мария. Тот уже по-родственному его пристроил, но намекнул, что придется отработать.

Тут и вскрылся основной талант Суллы: он мастерски умел пиздеть и убеждать людей в том, что, даже если он делает херню, это правильная, какая надо херня.
С помощью Суллы Гай Марий выиграл очередную римскую войнушку (в Африке), пленил местного царька и даже получил триумф (это когда пафосно входят в город, морда измазана красной краской, а сзади плетутся горепобежденные).

Но Сулла Мария чем-то смутно бесил. Может, разбрасывал портянки или изменял в походах жене, сложно сказать: обе стороны потом напиздели с три короба.
Сулла тем временем поучаствовал ещё в войнушках, этого добра хватало всегда, вздул всяких царей в Малой Азии, вздул возбухнувшие было итальянские племена, сделал себе имя и подался в политику. Пройдя необходимые должности, Сулла стал консулом. Дальше в Республике двигать было некуда.
Тут в Малой Азии очень кстати начал колотить понты царь Понта Митридат за номером 6.

Марий и Сулла оба хотели выписать Митридату, но получить командование армией можно было только через народное собрание. И тут сделался настоящий древнеримский политический триллер.

После войны с итальянскими племенами эти самые племена получили право голоса, после чего сразу перестали пиздеть. Но это право голоса было недоделанным. А Марий хотел протащить закон, с помощью которого право голоса станет полным, и на голосах этих граждан он и планировал выехать в народном собрании. И у него все получилось, причем дошло до мордобоя в сенате.

Сулла понял, что ему песда и включил свое главное оружие, красноречие.

-Солдаты! – сказал Сулла и пустил скупую слезу. – Меня заменили на Гая Мария. Этот старый поц не даст вам как следует пограбить жЫрненький Понт и вообще отправит вас на пенсию и наберёт лояльных ему пацанов! А я вам дам много деняк и землицы на пенсии.

Все, как обычно, поверили и предложили Сулле отпиздить Мария и вообще взять Рим, чтоб наверняка. Сулла поломался для виду и согласился.

В Риме не успели охуеть, как Сулла уже вошёл в город и выписал всем люлей. Враги отправились в ссылку, а Сулла – мордовать Митридата. Но пока он это делал, сторонники Мария полностью охуели: обосцали форум, написали слово хуй на храме Весты, отрезали башку консулу и замочили кучу сторонников Суллы.

-Ну ни на минуту нельзя уродов одних оставить, что ты будешь делать!! – сказал Сулла, и сделалась гражданская война. Марианцы были выпизжены, но Сулла урок усвоил.

-Ваша демократия хуйня, смотрите чё случилось! Я самый умный, потому буду диктатором, пока не наведу порядок, – авторитетно сказал Сулла и хряснул сандалией по трибуне. В принципе это была принятая практика на случай обострения в стране долбоебизма. Сенат сцыканул, и с Суллой согласился.

Тот сначала выпиздил своих политических оппонентов, потом всяких личных врагов, потом тех, кто его заставлял в садике есть манную кашу, причем имущество конфисковали в пользу государства, а доносчикам и даже убийцам внесённых в списки полагались плюшки. Потом уже такой метод использовался просто для пополнения казны, и в списки мог попасть любой толстосум. Помпей и Красс на этом всем нехуево нажились, а Цезарь наоборот чуть не попал в список.


Но не надо думать, что Сулла с утра до вечера, высунув язык, вносил людей в списки на упизживание, он провел кучу реформ, например, постановил выдавать военным ветеранам участки, где они могли завести хозяйство и не бухать от скуки по кабакам Субурры. Войска любили его до усрачки. При этом коварству его не было границ: например он освободил 10 тыщ рабов и пропихнул их в народное собрание, чтобы принимать нужные ему законы.

-Ну вот, сказал как-то Сулла, с удовольствием глядя на свою красивую новую статую на форуме. – Я выпиздил всех долбоебов. Теперь заживём!

И ушел на пенсию, где стал жрать и бухать, а по городу шароебился вовсе даже без охраны. И его никто не убил.

Кстати, про все это отлично написала Колин Маккалоу в цикле “Владыки Рима”.

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  1053. I played on this online casino platform and secured a substantial amount of earnings. However, eventually, my mom fell seriously sick, and I wanted to cash out some earnings from my casino balance. Unfortunately, I experienced issues and couldn’t withdraw the funds. Tragically, my mom died due to this gambling platform. I kindly ask for your help in bringing attention to this situation with the site. Please help me to find justice, to ensure others won’t have to face the anguish I’m facing today, and avert them from facing similar misfortune.

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  1354. Good post made here. One thing I would like to say is the fact that most professional career fields consider the Bachelors Degree as the entry level standard for an online degree. Although Associate Degrees are a great way to get started on, completing a person’s Bachelors starts up many opportunities to various occupations, there are numerous internet Bachelor Course Programs available through institutions like The University of Phoenix, Intercontinental University Online and Kaplan. Another concern is that many brick and mortar institutions offer you Online editions of their certifications but often for a drastically higher cost than the firms that specialize in online higher education degree plans.

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  1361. Thanks for sharing your ideas. The one thing is that pupils have a choice between federal government student loan as well as a private student loan where it is easier to go with student loan debt consolidation reduction than through the federal student loan.

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  1368. I have noticed that online education is getting common because accomplishing your degree online has turned into a popular solution for many people. Numerous people have certainly not had a chance to attend an established college or university but seek the improved earning possibilities and career advancement that a Bachelor’s Degree provides. Still other people might have a degree in one training but would wish to pursue one thing they now possess an interest in.

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  1433. Today, while I was at work, my cousin stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!

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  1469. Thanks for giving your ideas on this blog. Likewise, a misconception regarding the banking institutions intentions while talking about home foreclosure is that the traditional bank will not have my installments. There is a certain quantity of time in which the bank will require payments in some places. If you are way too deep inside the hole, they are going to commonly call that you pay that payment fully. However, i am not saying that they will have any sort of installments at all. When you and the bank can find a way to work anything out, this foreclosure process may cease. However, should you continue to pass up payments in the new strategy, the property foreclosure process can just pick up where it left off.

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  1665. Nice to meet you! We are a online retailer since 1988. Welcome to Elivera 1988-2023. EliveraGroup sells online natural cosmetics, beauty products, food supplements. We connect people with products and services in new and unexpected ways. The company ELIVERAGroup, is a Retailer, which operates in the Cosmetics industry. ELIVERA was established in 1988. © ELIVERA LTD was established in 2007. The first project was in 1988. It was carried out in trade with Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Belgium, Hungary, Poland, Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia.

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