Если с императорами исторические чайники ещё как-то справляются (Нерон сжёг Рим, Калигула всех выебал и задрал своим конем, а Веспасиан построил Колизей), то с периодом республики все намного хуже, это вообще темный лес!
Луций Корнелий Сулла жил во времена так называемой поздней республики. Он был из приличной семьи, крепких середнячков: там консул, тут жрец Юпитера, в общем, жили неплохо, но звёзд с неба не хватали. Деняк особо не было, так что, немного побухав в молодости, Сулла по расчету женился на племяннице будущего консула Гая Мария. Тот уже по-родственному его пристроил, но намекнул, что придется отработать.
Тут и вскрылся основной талант Суллы: он мастерски умел пиздеть и убеждать людей в том, что, даже если он делает херню, это правильная, какая надо херня.
С помощью Суллы Гай Марий выиграл очередную римскую войнушку (в Африке), пленил местного царька и даже получил триумф (это когда пафосно входят в город, морда измазана красной краской, а сзади плетутся горепобежденные).
Но Сулла Мария чем-то смутно бесил. Может, разбрасывал портянки или изменял в походах жене, сложно сказать: обе стороны потом напиздели с три короба.
Сулла тем временем поучаствовал ещё в войнушках, этого добра хватало всегда, вздул всяких царей в Малой Азии, вздул возбухнувшие было итальянские племена, сделал себе имя и подался в политику. Пройдя необходимые должности, Сулла стал консулом. Дальше в Республике двигать было некуда.
Тут в Малой Азии очень кстати начал колотить понты царь Понта Митридат за номером 6.
Марий и Сулла оба хотели выписать Митридату, но получить командование армией можно было только через народное собрание. И тут сделался настоящий древнеримский политический триллер.
После войны с итальянскими племенами эти самые племена получили право голоса, после чего сразу перестали пиздеть. Но это право голоса было недоделанным. А Марий хотел протащить закон, с помощью которого право голоса станет полным, и на голосах этих граждан он и планировал выехать в народном собрании. И у него все получилось, причем дошло до мордобоя в сенате.
Сулла понял, что ему песда и включил свое главное оружие, красноречие.
-Солдаты! – сказал Сулла и пустил скупую слезу. – Меня заменили на Гая Мария. Этот старый поц не даст вам как следует пограбить жЫрненький Понт и вообще отправит вас на пенсию и наберёт лояльных ему пацанов! А я вам дам много деняк и землицы на пенсии.
Все, как обычно, поверили и предложили Сулле отпиздить Мария и вообще взять Рим, чтоб наверняка. Сулла поломался для виду и согласился.
В Риме не успели охуеть, как Сулла уже вошёл в город и выписал всем люлей. Враги отправились в ссылку, а Сулла – мордовать Митридата. Но пока он это делал, сторонники Мария полностью охуели: обосцали форум, написали слово хуй на храме Весты, отрезали башку консулу и замочили кучу сторонников Суллы.
-Ну ни на минуту нельзя уродов одних оставить, что ты будешь делать!! – сказал Сулла, и сделалась гражданская война. Марианцы были выпизжены, но Сулла урок усвоил.
-Ваша демократия хуйня, смотрите чё случилось! Я самый умный, потому буду диктатором, пока не наведу порядок, – авторитетно сказал Сулла и хряснул сандалией по трибуне. В принципе это была принятая практика на случай обострения в стране долбоебизма. Сенат сцыканул, и с Суллой согласился.
Тот сначала выпиздил своих политических оппонентов, потом всяких личных врагов, потом тех, кто его заставлял в садике есть манную кашу, причем имущество конфисковали в пользу государства, а доносчикам и даже убийцам внесённых в списки полагались плюшки. Потом уже такой метод использовался просто для пополнения казны, и в списки мог попасть любой толстосум. Помпей и Красс на этом всем нехуево нажились, а Цезарь наоборот чуть не попал в список.
Но не надо думать, что Сулла с утра до вечера, высунув язык, вносил людей в списки на упизживание, он провел кучу реформ, например, постановил выдавать военным ветеранам участки, где они могли завести хозяйство и не бухать от скуки по кабакам Субурры. Войска любили его до усрачки. При этом коварству его не было границ: например он освободил 10 тыщ рабов и пропихнул их в народное собрание, чтобы принимать нужные ему законы.
-Ну вот, сказал как-то Сулла, с удовольствием глядя на свою красивую новую статую на форуме. – Я выпиздил всех долбоебов. Теперь заживём!
И ушел на пенсию, где стал жрать и бухать, а по городу шароебился вовсе даже без охраны. И его никто не убил.
Кстати, про все это отлично написала Колин Маккалоу в цикле “Владыки Рима”.
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