Когда Сашенька Македонский был маленький, ему в голову насрали всякой мифологией, и он искренне считал себя потомком Ахилла, спал с Илиадой под подушкой и вырос настоящей боевой убивашкой. Пирр был родственником Сашеньки, так что в голове у него было насрано так же качественно. А ещё у него были слоники.
Есть такие территории на карте, жители которых всегда всем недовольны, возможно, там в воде какой-то пиздин или что-то вроде этого. Пирр был родом из Эпира, с тех пор там мало что изменилось. Детство его пришлось на тяжелый период, когда местные упоенно выпизживали собственных царей, маленький Пиррик едва спасся. Уже будучи взрослым, Пирр ненадолго вернул себе диадему, но жители его снова выперли.
Пирр от царства отказываться не собирался, но силенок у него было маловато. К тому времени Александр умер, и его военачальники принялись упоенно угандонивать друг друга: Деметрий Полиоркет (правитель Македонии) драл чуб Лисимаху, Селевк пиздил Птолемея, вся Малая Азия умывалась кровавыми соплями. Пирр примкнул к Деметрию, как к своему соседу и зятю, и в результате сложных гешефтов оказался при дворе Птолемеев в Египте. Здесь он покладисто женился на Антигоне, жене/сестре Птолемея 1 и получил от него деняк и войско.
Первым делом от отправился в родной Эпир, где проявил змениное коварство: под предлогом заключения мира пригласил царя-родственника пожрать и замочил его. Можно было бы сложить ручки на пузике и есть мусаку, но Пирр уже вошел во вкус. Все вокруг так азартно друг друга пиздили, а Македония валялась без присмотра, пока Деметрий был чем-то там занят.
-Ты охуел?! – возмущенно заорал Деметрий, – и началась война в Македонии.
Пирр был очень умелым военачальником и хорошим стратегом. Женился он исключительно из политических соображений. Вторая жена, Ланасса, принесла ему остров Корфу и деняк. Но, увы, Пирр увлекся и женился еще пару раз при живой жене, причем новые жены Ланассе вообще не понравились.
-Ты охуел! – веско сказала дочь царя Сицилии, свалила на Корфу и вышла замуж за охуевшего от счастья Деметрия.
-Вы охуели!! – заорал Пирр, и война с Деметрием разгорелась с новой силой.
Деметрий же действительно охуел и зазвездился, ел ананасы и рябчиков, весь обвешался цацками, посольства не принимал несколько лет. Потому, когда Пирр пришел его пиздить, его забросали сцаными портянками собственные войска. Деметрий сбежал, а царем Македонии стал Пирр.
-Ты охуел? – спросил возникающий на пороге Лисимах. – Да ты еще пешком под стол ходил, когда мы с Сашей мочили в Индии слоников одной левой!
Пирр понял, что сейчас его кучно будут бить Лисимах, Селевк и Птолемей, но тут на горизонте очень кстати нарисовались жители италийского города Тарента с просьбой отмудохать охуевших римлян. Пирр вздохнул с облегчением, потому что боевые дедуганы его уже здорово задолбали. Взяв у них деняк и заключив мир, он отплыл в Италию, оставив на царстве в Эпире своего сыначку.
Римляне к тому времени уже хорошо себя чувствовали и были высокоорганизованными, но тут на сцену вышли слоники. “Госпаде Юпитере, какая страшная хуйня!” – заорали римляне и разбежались, а Пирр выдал им решительных пиздюлей вдогонку. Римляне как-то расстроились и придумали агитку про Пиррову победу, типа “мы вдвоем с слоном по полю идём”.
В Таренте стало кисло и тухло, в Малой Азии буянили Селевкиды со своими Лаодиками, но тут на пороге очень кстати нарисовались жители Сиракуз с предложением отпиздить карфагенян на Сицилии. Отпиздив карфагенян, Пирр ещё раз отпиздил рыпнувшихся было римлян и уселся пожрать прошутто с дыней, но тут пришло письмо из дома от какой-то из жён: любезный, мол, супруг, а ты не охуел столько лет не появляться дома? Тут тоже есть кого отпиздить!
Пирр вернулся домой и принялся пиздить Спарту и Аргос, но тут слоники его подвели, застряв в воротах. “Ыыы, какой неугомонный боевой долбоеб!” – в сердцах сказала жительница Аргоса, сидящая на крыше, бросила в Пирра черепицей и попала.
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