Исторический кружок: мужик-молния

В 3 веке до н.э. жил-был чувак очень голубых кровей, звали его Ḥmlqrt, потому что в финикийском письме не было гласных, а прозвище его было Молния/Барка/Керавн, потому что он был резкий, как понос. Больше всего на свете он не любил две вещи: сцыкунов и Рим. Стоило при нем упомянуть Вечный Город, как он тут же разражался воплями про Империю Зла. “Да, папа, мы знааааееем”, – закатывали глазки под лобики несовершеннолетние сыновья Флэша. В общем, вариантов у них не было, упоротый папаша даже заставил их присягнуть, что они положат жизнь на угандонивание Рима.

Впрочем, угандонили папашу совсем в другом месте, в Испании, но свою пламенную ненависть он-таки успел вколотить сыначкам в головы. Старшего из них звали Hnbʿl, от папы и за заслуги он тоже получил прозвище Флэш. Но это было позже, а пока крошка Флэш и его братья, едва отлучившись от груди и памперса, отправились с папашей в поход, где росли в походно-полевых условиях. Вариантов жизненного пути у Флэша не было: после смерти отца, а затем зятя Флэш сам стал пиздить испанские племена во славу родного города Карфагена.

“Тока дайте мне повод”, – злобно шипел Флэш, ожидая, провокаций римлян, у которых тоже были виды на Испанию. Срач сделался из-за города Сагунта. “Сагунтанаш!” – орали обе стороны, но победил Ганнибал. “Ты охуел!” – заорали в Риме, и Флэш понял, что сейчас будут бить, потому нужно бить первым. “Здравствуйте, суки!” – заорал Флэш, вваливаясь в Италию. “Хуйня с хуйней на морде!” – в ужасе заорали там при виде слоников.

Римляне не ожидали такой скорости. “Одно слово, Молнияяяя”, – прищелкивали языками сенаторы. Флэш действовал ужасно хитро, подначивая разные племена подсирать Риму и убеждая их переходить на свою сторону. Он расшвыривал римские войска, как котят. “Нам песда! Ганнибал у ворот ” – патетично восклицали в сенате.

“Пиздец вы рукожопы!” – сказал Публий Корнелий Сципион в сенате. – Стоило свалиться с ангиной, как вы просрали все полимеры. А ну-ка бля быстро пустите меня в Африку!” И стукнул сандалетом по трибуне.

В Африке Сципион принялся творить безобразия, в Карфагене завопили от ужаса и потребовали Ганнибала Флэша домой. Сципион был тоже не пальцем делан и отпиздил Ганнибала так внушительно, что Карфаген согласился на мир.

Сципион получил прозвище Африканский

Ганнибал стал политиком и вскоре обнаружил коррупционную схему: олигархи пиздили деньги, которые нужно было по договору выплачивать Риму. Честного вояку ничего не стоило подставить, и Ганнибалу пришлось срочно бежать. Селевкиды уже ждали его с распростертыми объятиями. Ганнибал успел поработать на Селевкидов и Вифинию, но Империя Зла их так уверенно теснила, что обе страны согласились на экстрадицию. “Сцыкло ты беспонтовое”, – сказал Ганнибал напоследок царю Вифинии и принял яд. А Вифиния скоро тоже накрылась Римом.

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