Исторический кружок: Фрэнсис Дрейк

Фрэнсис Дрейк родился в семье простого фермера, а стал национальным героем. Или знаменитым утырком. Это смотря, каким боком повернуть продажную-девку-историю.

Он был одним из 12 сыновей в бедной семье. Ничего, кроме свиней и брюквы ему в жизни не светило. Но у папы был мозг, и он отдал сына в ученики чуваку, у которого был свой барк. Френсису на море очень понравилось, это было куда увлекательнее брюквы. А чуваку так понравился Фрэнсис, что он сделал его своим наследником. И заверте.

Пока Англия и Испания были в состоянии войны, Дрейк почём зря потрошил испанские порты и суда, исправно поставляя короне бабло. Причем иногда бабла было столько, что приходилось его закапывать, иначе было не унести. А когда было перемирие, сидел на пальме, пырился в Тихий океан, бурча что-то про неграмотного Колумба, плыл через этот самый океан, став первым англичанином, который это сделал. Во время этой экспедиции, которую курировала сама Елизавета 1 и которая держалась в строгой тайне, Дрейк тоже пограбил от души, ведь испанцам наконец поперло. Они разжились золотом, которое потекло в жадные клешни испанских роялей, но Дрейк успешно этому препятствовал. Испанцы ненавидели и боялись его до усрачки, считая, что он практикует трахтибидох.

– Ах, бусики! – восторженно вопила королева Елизавета, посвящая Дрейка в сэры.

Дрейк купил усадьбу и три раза сходил в парламент, поглаживая себя по пузику и приговаривая “неплохо для фермера”, чем вызывал у аристократии в дурацких плоеных воротниках лютое полыхание пуканов.

Когда у Дрейка на пальчиках образовались мозоли от кнопкодавства, а ручки перестали из-за пузика дотягиваться до стола, он понял, что чёт засиделся, и упиздил Непобедимую Армаду.

“Хехе, – сказал бравый вице-адмирал, – какая-то Отсосная Армада, а не непобедимая”.

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