Історичний гурток: цар Давид

Засновником Ізраїльського царства вважається Саул, який на ті часи був занадто гуманним, що й вилізло йому боком: кровожepливий Самуїл (пророк та суддя) наполягав, щоб Саул повністю вгандонив амалекитян, прадавніх вopoгів євpeїв. Саул нікого не хотів нищити, він хотів сидіти на троні красивий, смачно їсти та мацати тіток, але зась. «Церква має бути відділена від держави. Я світська влада, не буду тебе слухатись», – непереконливо сказав він. Самуїл закотив очі під лоба і запропонував обрати царем Давида, бо він був красивий, грав на гуслях та вперіщив Голіафа проміж очі, а шо ще треба, щоб бути царем?

Ричард Гир очень красивый в фильме 1984 года

Саул, звичайно, не жував шмарклі та не збирався просто так віддавати владу, тож спробував вкоротити гарненькому гусляру життя. Ховаючись від Саула, Давид не втрачав часу даремно: пиздив смертним боєм амалекитян (а то чого вони), сколотив банду таких само ренегатів та двічі одружився, бо Саул видав його дружину заміж за іншого, а хтось же мав прати йому шкарпетки та варити борщ. Таким чином Давид заробив собі репутацію, став царем і повністю виправдав сподівання: почав трощити сусідів та збирати землі.

Були в нього і слабкості, але в межах патріархальних цінностей: він не міг втримати ЧСО у штанях, відібрав дружину у свого воєначальника Урії, швиденько її запузячив (що думала Ветсавія з цього приводу, нікого не цікавило), а Урію наказав тихенько вколошкати. Але цар він був хороший, виривав ворогам тельбухи, тож просто три рази сказав «я більше так не буду» і «для чоловіка це природньо».

Втім, сексуальна нестриманість таки вилізла Давиду боком:  його багаточисленні сини пересралися один з одним і татком. Причому привід був цілком вагомий: старший син Давида зґвалтував свою сестру, але Давид до таких речей ставився поблажливо, тож просто погладив Амнона по голівці і сумно сказав: «Хлопче, невже мало інших бабів?» Тож останні роки правління Давида були затьмарені спробами навести порядок у царстві.

Основателем Израильского царства считается Саул, главный недостаток которого был в том, что для своего времени он был слишком гуманен, что и вышло ему боком: кровожадный Самуил (пророк и судья) настаивал на том, чтобы Саул полностью извел амалекитян, давнишних врагов евреев. Саул не хотел никого изводить, он хотел сидеть на троне красивый, вкусно есть и щупать теток, но где там. «Церковь должна быть отделена от государства. Я светская власть и не должен тебя слушать», – неубедительно сказал Саул. Самуил возвел очи горе и предложил выбрать царем Давида, потому что он был красивый, шпилил на гуслях и вклеил Голиафа в лоб. А что еще нужно, чтоб быть царем?

Саул, понятное дело, не жевал сопли и не собирался просто так отдавать власть, так что попытался хорошенького гусляра угробить. Прячась от Саула, Давид не тратил время даром: бил смертным боем амалекитян (а то чо они), сколотил банду таких же ренегатов, дважды женился, потому что Саул выдал его жену замуж за другого, а кто-то же должен был стирать ему носки и варить борщ. Таким образом Давид наработал репутацию, стал царем и полностью оправдал ожидания: стал потрошить соседей и собирать земли.

Были у него и слабости, но в рамках патриархальных ценностей: он не умел держать МПО в штанах, отобрал жену у своего военачальника Урии, быстро ее запузячил (что думала по этому поводу Вирсавия, никого не интересовало), а Урию приказал потихоньку зашибить. Но царь был хороший, вырывал врагам печенки, поэтому просто три раза сказал «я больше так не буду» и «для мужчины это паприроди».

Впрочем, сексуальная распущенность таки вылезла Давиду боком: его многочисленные сыновья пересрались друг с другом и отцом. Причем повод был весомый: старший сын Давида изнасиловал свою сестру, но Давид к таким вещам относился снисходительно, так что просто погладил Амнона по головке и грустно сказал: «Пацан, нешто мало других баб?» Из-за этого последние годы правления Давида были омрачены попытками навести порядок в царстве.

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