Исторический кружок: Колумб

Христофора ихнего Колумба сейчас принято всячески хуесосить за открытие Америки и последовавший за ним геноцид местного населения, хотя на самом деле он ее не открывал: современные учёные сходятся на том, что викинги давным-давно протоптали туда дорожку и даже привезли в Исландию местную тётку, чей генотип прослеживается в местных до сих пор. Колумб же что-то где-то слышал краем левой пятки, все перепутал, неправильно оценил размер мира и решил, что так можно доплыть до Индии. А там пряности, драгоценности и Камасутра.

Деняк, понятное дело, не было. И Колумб принялся ныть разным королям и вельможам. По происхождению он был итальянец, потому начал ныть с Генуи. Ныл Фердинанду Арагонскому, ныл Генриху 7 Тюдору, ныл всяким вельможам, но все разбегались с криками. Пока Колумб не понял, какая Изабелла притыренная.

– Вашвеличество, прикиньте, это ж Индия! Можем с Востока йопнуть по османам и устроить Крестовый Поход!

Проебанная святая земля так и стучала в сердце Изабеллушки (госпаде, скока еретиков сжечь можно, вонять будет аж до Франции, где все от зависти обосрутся) и она дала деняк. Но не все, оставшиеся Колумб уже настрелял в других местах под слоганом “Изабеллушка одобряэ”.

– Я чето открыл! – радостно отрапортовал Колумб по возвращении.

– Мы как бэ не просили, чтоб нас открывали, – сказали местные, которых обозвали индейцами.

– О, еретики! – обрадовалась Изабеллушка, узрев местных без трусов (Колумб привез нескольких с собой).

– Позвольте, из голожопых еретиков деняк не получить! – сказал практичный Фердинанд. – Где деньги, Зин?

Колумб все плавал, открывая все новые земли, в “Индию” валили священники, монахи, конкистадоры, мореплаватели и разная шушера.

– Мужик, я не знаю, чё ты там открыл, но Индия в другой стороне, и там все в трусах, – доложился из Португалии Вашко да Гама, доплывший до настоящей Индии.

– Бля, – сказал Колумб, – то-то я думаю, они про Камасутру ничего не знают.

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