Жила-была в 16 веке девочка, сама виновата. Бабушка у нее была peлигиозная фaнaтичка, дедушка – мyдaк, тетя – шизанутая, кyзен – гнycный. Зоопарк, а не семья. Мама была ничего, но унаследовала религиозный фанатизм от своей матери. Но хуже всех был ее папа, который оказался полным пpидypком. Звали девочку редким во все времена именем Мария.
Маша оказалась оказалась единственным законным живым ребенком своего папаши-короля, и он уже готов был засунуть свой шовинизм в сраку и сделать её наследницей престола, но тут ему в башку ебнул кризис среднего возраста. Причем так качественно, что рикошетом прилетело всей Европе. История эта известна всем, потому что папашей был Генрих 8, который развелся с Машиной матерью и пустился во все тяжкие, меняя жен, как перчатки. Маша осталась не у дел.
Ни о каком замужестве уже речи не было, Маша считалась незаконнорожденной, а ее мерзкий папаша заделал-таки мальчика. Когда папаша умер, Марии был 31 год. Брат Маши, свеженький король, тоже вскоре представился, сделав своей наследницей Джейн Грей, правнучку Генриха 7.
Маша поняла, что ей пиздец, и осатанела. Всю жизнь ей пришлось прожить, засунув язык в задницу, чтоб не бесить папашу и его очередную жену. Больше терпеть она не собиралась.
Взойдя на престол с помощью своих сторонников, Машенька казнила 16-летнюю Джейн, ее мужа, отца и свёкра. Машу нисколько это не прикалывало, но оставив их в живых, она рисковала троном.
Маша была католичкой, и протестанты ей не нравились. Они были унылые и хуево одевались. Чтоб протестанты не пиздели, Маша их немного пожгла, казнив 300 человек за ересь. Не то чтобы этого не делали ее папаша и ее сестра Елизавета 1. Конечно, делали, ещё и как. Но историю пишут победители, и при Елизавете, которая была протестанткой, Машу придумали называть Кровавой и всячески изосрали ей репутацию.
В юности Маша была нежно влюблена в кузена, гнусного Карла 5. Они были помолвлены, но мерзкий папаша Машеньки разорвал помолвку. Маша закрыла гештальт, выйдя замуж за сына гнусного кузена, Филиппа. В Англии этим браком были недовольны абсолютно все, но Маша была очарована. Брак был не так чтоб совсем неудачным, несмотря на то, что Маша была старше на 11 лет. Просто супруги слишком мало времени провели вместе. Ребенка Маше родить не удалось, и в 42 года она умерла от болезни под названием английский пот – странной коросты, которая сама собой сошла впоследствии на нет.
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