Исторический кружок: Барбаросса

Наглость – второе счастье. История семейства невнятного происхождения с острова Лесбос отлично иллюстрирует эту фразу.

В 16 веке на острове Лесбос жил мальчик то ли грек, то ли турок, то ли албанец, то ли все сразу. Папа его был мелким судовладельцем, и поначалу Арудж и все его братья работали на папу. Но однажды его захватили в плен рыцари-иоанниты, которые окопались в Бодруме. Одного из братьев убили, а самого его посадили в Бодрумский замок. Просидев три года в кутузке, Арудж озлобился, сбежал с помощью другого брата, Хызыра, и подался в пираты.

Подраив недолгое время гальюны, он решил, что нафиг надо, взбунтовал команду и стал капитаном. Усадив на плечо попугая, он огляделся в поисках покровителя и встретился глазами с с жадным эмиром Туниса. “Воруй, убивай, еби гусей за 10% от прибыли, вот тебе остров для базы”, – сказал жадный эмир. Арудж принялся зверски террорючить Средиземноморье, заставляя испанцев и итальянцев рыдать от ужаса.

Тут ему стало скучно. “Хочу быть владычицей морскою!” – решил Арудж и стал. Очень кстати ему попался мавританский султан, мечтавший захватить трон Алжира. Арудж ему помог, а потом задушил мужика в ванной резинкой от трусов и стал сам править. Что он в принципе делал в этой ванной, история умалчивает. Понимая, что Карл 5, император СРИ, сожрёт его с говном, Арудж задружился с османами и получил их покровительство.

Некоторое время все шло неплохо, но потом Карл 5, мечтавший оторвать себе кусок Африки и господство на Средиземноморье, таки его угандонил. Себе же во вред, потому что его брат Хызыр, вошедший в историю под именем Хайреттина Барбароссы, оказался ещё хуже. (Барбаросса переводится как Рыжебородый и не имеет отношения к императору СРИ Фридриху.)

Даже с помощью флота союзников Карл 5 ничего не мог поделать с Барбароссой: тот захватывал греческие острова, разорял испанские и итальянские порты и заставлял все Средиземноморье сраться от ужаса. Одному только Сан-Ремо прилетело аж три раза. Сулейман Великолепный исправно снабжал своего корсара кораблями и назначил Барбароссу главнокомандующим османским флотом.

Гнусный Карл 5 окончательно испугался, собрал флот из 157 кораблей под предводительством адмирала Андреа Дориа, но, хотя у Барбароссы было всего 122 корабля, он всех уделал. Карл 5 решил действовать хитростью.

– Пссс, Барбаросса! Переходи на сторону зла (?), у нас есть чуррос!

– Иди нахуй, Карл! – ответил Барбаросса, дожевывая пахлаву. И продолжил пиздохать христиан почём зря.

В 68 лет Барбаросса устал, финально отпиздил Майорку в очередной раз и осел в Стамбуле, где построил себе роскошный дворец. Там он уселся поудобнее с видом на Босфор и написал мемуары. После его смерти Синан, любимый архитектор Сулеймана, построил ему мавзолей на берегу Босфора. В Европе все перекрестилась. Обычай моряков приветствовать Барбароссу залпом из орудий/сигналом в наши дни до сих пор существует.

Памятник Барбароссе около морского музея в Стамбуле

Его сын продолжил дело отца, став правителем Алжира и адмиралом османского флота. В битве при Лепанто он вместе с остальным османским флотом получил пизды от внучатого племянника Андреа Дориа. Карма из э бич.

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