Исторический кружок: тру принц датский

Своего Гамлета Шекспир списал с персонажа многочисленных мифов и легенд, приделав к нему букву Г и кучу выдуманных подробностей типа фразы ту би ор нот ту би. Мне больше всего понравилась саксонская версия, как наиболее упоротая.

Г (Амлет) был сыном правителя Ютландии, Хорвендилла, от Геруты, дочери короля данов. Брат Хорвендилла Фенг поступил с ним гнусно (Вiн обiсцяв мене на полюваннi, коли я мiцно спав. Пiдступною рукою вiн в ухо спрямував брудного хйя. I скоцапиздило моe прекрасне тiло смертельная гангрена*). И женился на его жене. Г (Амлет) прикинулся дypaчкoм, чтоб его не убили. Фенг, впрочем, шото заподозрил и послал к Г (Амлету) его сестру (к счастью, неродную, потому что Г (Амлет) ее поимел, как и задумывалось, но наврал, что нет.

Кино по мотивам этой упоротой истории “Принц Ютландии”

Тогда “хтивий дядько принца” отправил его к своему корешу в Британию с письмом о том, что Г (Амлета) надо порешить. Тут явно виден дядин удивительно тупой технический проеб. Г (Амлет) письмо переписал, и британский правитель сделал то, что от него в письме требовалось: убил спутников Г (Амлета) и женил его на своей дочери.

Прожив годик в Британии, наш герой решил, что пора бы и честь познать. Дома его уже похоронили и отмечали это событие. И тут: “Входить Гамлeт. Вiн в жопу п’яний. В однiй руцi у його дрючок, у другiй шампанськe. Гамлeт пиздить усiх дрючком: пиздячить герба з ведмедем, потiм заливає шампанськоє в рояль i шпроти запускаe туди ж. I по роялю пиздить дрючком. Рояль гуде.”

Хелен Миррен мамо Амлета

В общем, все умерли, а Г (Амлет) вернулся в Британию за женой. Но не тут-то было. Британский правитель ему жену не отдал и отправил его к страшно злобной царице Эрминтруде, в Шотландию. Ну типа чтоб она его убила. Но он на нее попырился, она в него втрескалась и вышла замуж. С двумя женами Г (Амлет) вернулся в Ютландию и стал жить-поживать. Но недолго. Он погиб в бою, а Эрминтруда, даром что обещала умереть вместе с ним, вышла замуж за победителя.

“Iтогi подвeдьом. Упиздив тата. I мамку запиздячив з рiдним дядьком. Попиздив мeбeль ценную, герба нацiонального хуйнув. Усюди смерть, розруха. Не буду бiльше пити я, хоч правда, яка розумная цьому альтернатiва? Пiздець всeм сподiванням. Ех, бл*дська Данiя….”

Про Г (Амлета) в 1994 году сняли кино “Принц Ютландии”, где сверкает сиськами Хелен Миррен, и злодействует Габриэль Бирн. Двух жен, впрочем, убрали из сюжета. Чё наворотят в новом фильме “Северянин”, я хз. Учитывая творческую манеру режиссера Эггерса, всех сожрут чайки и насрут в рояль.

Новый Г (Амлет), кино покажут в 2022 году

*Цитаты на украинском – из Леся Подерев`янського. Он тоже писал про Гамлета, хм.

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