Век 1 от р.х. Первые християне християнят, Нерон делает из них факелы и пилит скрипку, Рим загреб под себя уже всю Малую Азию и уверенно подгребает Альбион, где сидят разрозненные племена бриттов, настоящих, а не всякой шушеры понаехавшей (но это неточно). На западном побережье Альбиона живёт себе племя иценов. Друидики, жертвоприношеньки, синие морды и никакого понятия об орднунге.
Зная о том, что местные диковаты, римляне действовали аккуратно и типа сохраняли видимость независимости маленьких отдельных царств. Но король иценов умер, а сыновей у него не было, так что земли иценов должны были отойти под власть Рима.
– Свиньи вы шовинистические, – сказала вдова почившего царя. – Как детей рожать и воспитывать, так тетка. А как владеть землями, так нет.
– Не пизди, женьщина, – ответили римляне и устроили Боудикке, так звали тётку, экзекуцию с поркой.
Они не знали, что в Британии тетке необязательно было а) лежать б) молча, а тетки очень даже могли быть жрицами и воительницами.
– Я тут по радио ОБС слыхала про Арминия, из германских земель. На каждого римлянина с копьём найдется свой бритт с боевым топором. Смерть римским оккупантам! Вставай, страна средних размеров! – провозгласила Боудикка и начался пиздорез такого масштаба, которого римляне ещё не видели.
Пойнт был не просто в жестокости, а в том, чтобы выпиздить глубоко культурно чуждых и полностью охуевших римлян за пролив. Пока римляне в ужасе пучили глаза, Боудикка с войсками взяла три города и угандонила 80 тыщ человек, включая тёток и детей. Она самолично вела войска, стоя на боевой колеснице.
Нерон в Риме прекратил прикуривать от христиан, засцал и решил отозвать войска из Британии, пусть там хоть все друг друга в жертву принесут. Про Арминия, упиздившего три римских легиона, он помнил очень хорошо. Говорили, Октавиан Август на исходе жизни как нажрется, так и приговаривает “Квинтилий Вар, верни мои легионы!” У Гая Светония Паулина, наместика в Британии, было 10 тыщ человек, у Боудикки – 230, сцать было от чего.
– Не сцать никогда, – сказал Светоний. – Орднунг мусс зайн, а эти дикари-с об орднунге понятия не имеют. И как в воду глядел.
Боудикка рассчитывала на численный перевес и устрашение синемордием и гнусными воплями. Про Арминия она слыхала, а про Эдемона, чей мятеж Светоний бесстрашно упиздил в Мавритании, – нет. Римляне потеряли 4 тысячи, а бритты – 80. Остальные разбежались, Боудикка отравилась, а Светоний так увлекся резьбой по местным, что из Рима пришла молния: воу-воу, палехче, а то в Британии скоро некого угнетать будет.
При королеве Виктории Боудикку, чье имя переводится примерно так же, вытащили из нафталина, признали национальной героиней и наставили памятников.
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